Is this thing on?

Onwards...and upwards?

2006-10-03T00:44:06Z

I'm having a career crisis. People ask me what I want to do when I finish beauty school (February), and I don't know what to say. Really, I just want to take a break. Return to life for a little while, sleeping in and going to Target at eleven am and getting pedicures and wearing real clothes instead of my butt-ugly uniform. Ick. Especially the smock.

Anyway, I don't want to bust my ass in a salon (even though I bet I could make a lot of money) because it would be the same prissy little bitches that populate my student class, and most of the time I want to hurl a tint brush at their heads. Make a nice big blotch of bleach or shoepolish black on that carefully flatironed mane, ha ha! Ooh, I'm evil. Or maybe not. As my BF says, "Evil is just another word for funny."

So the plan right now is to take some time off, then get a part-time job assisting (yay for sweeping and shampooing!)while I take on the Next Thing in my life: The Book. At first I just toyed with the idea of doing a fun chick-lit memoir about my time in cosmetology school, but since I started carrying a notebook, it's started to consume me. The only way I can deal with the asinine things my teachers say and the awful rotting-meat smell of perm solution is to write it down. All this is too priceless. I feel like the book is going to forcibly claw its way out of me as soon as I stand still long enough. But if it results in a nationwide bestseller and talk show appearances, that's okay with me. Maybe a health and beauty column too, that'd be nice.

Okay, I'm on deadline and I'm actually just procrastinating.

updates

2006-09-15T04:44:00Z

I secretly love Fergie. I mean, how can you not admire someone who was a child star who slid down a trashy spiral into crystal meth addiction, only to clean up and reinvent herself as a pop icon? And "London Bridge" is damn catchy, and even though I want to rip that stupid piercing out of her face I do like her dance moves. And she has a rad stomach. So, cheers to Fergie for being faux-British and singing about being drunk and getting some booty. Atta girl.

Major developments...so the fling with the 19-year-old has turned serious, enough so that I'm calling his place home while I look for a new one. Yeah. I've never lived with a boyfriend and I find it disturbing that I enjoy cleaning up after him. I'm such a little housewife, it's disgusting.

We have been together nearly four months and haven't had a fight yet. Nothing but sex and smiles here. It's pretty great.

School is crazy! I'll finish in February, so recently I've been freaking out over My Career and Life Goals. Not so fun. I think I have at least decided I'm stronger in color than cutting, so if I end up working in a salon that's what I'll train in. But I kind of want to sit on my ass for a while and write all about it.

So. Anyway. That's mostly it. I'm going to get a new tattoo pretty soon, like probably going for a consultation on Sunday. I can't wait, it's kind of going to be a half-sleeve, which is bigger than I originally pictured but will look amazing. So sexy, as Aaron would say. The idea sounds crazy, but it's going to be a vein of gemstones running from my shoulder down my upper arm. Amethysts, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and I'm going to mix in some pearls and two gold coins. Yay, I can't wait!

It's been such a long hard year that I definitely deserve an award. : )

Yay for Yahoo music!

2006-08-07T16:59:26Z

Eek, brain cells are dying. I'm smoking a bowl and watching new videos from Justin Timberlake, rowr, and Paris Hilton. And yes, kill me now, because I actually liked Paris's song. Justin of course, the man has talent and he runs around pretending to be Bond in his newest, which kinda turned me on, but PARIS? How can I enjoy something made by her? She is without morals, entirely. I loathe her trashy self, but I won't deny that there is something fascinating about her. I guess maybe we are all just dirty little sluts at heart, and she's the only one who can admit it. Well, no, I can admit it too, but Paris just doesn't try to be anything more than a dirty little slut. And somehow the beezy pulls it off.

I also like Christina's new one, "Ain't No Other Man." Probably because I am smitten with my boyfriend like she is with her not-so-cute new husband. I bet he treats her like a princess though, which I can say is very nice. Sigh...

I'm moving, away from Man Roomie the weirdo. I'm tired of him eating my butter and clogging the toilet and playing warfare video games late at night, so that all I can hear as I'm going to sleep are cries of pain and slicing sounds. It's really awful. Anyway, I am going to crash with my man until October, when my fun sister is moving to the peninsula. We're looking for a place to live right now.

All righty, boxes need to be packed and showers need to be taken.

useless

2006-07-02T05:06:53Z

I spent all day today sleeping, getting wound up in the sheets and having crazy dreams that my beauty school friends had gotten in some massive street brawl with some random chicks. Somehow I was not involved, but it made me feel horrible that I missed it. Even though I'm sure I would have gotten my ass kicked. Anyway, eight hours of sleep, yeah. I guess I needed it, after a week of clients at school and mad deadlines to meet at home. Lots of late nights burning up the keyboard. Plus I spent five hours last night helping Aaron move into his new place.

It's pretty sweet that my boyfriend (I feel so pretentious saying that, maybe because I said I didn't need one for so long...and I still don't need one, I just like having one, a lot.) just got his own apartment right down the street from me. Like, six blocks away. I'm hoping that this way I'll just be able to avoid Man Roomie as much as possible and not have to move to keep from murdering him. He's really such a pretentious bastard, and an insecure one at that. After he had some random beezy come over I discovered a box of Magnum Twister Ribbed for Her Pleasure strategically placed in the bathroom trash can. Eeew! Dude, I know you apparently have a huge dick. And I still don't want to fuck you. I know this may be hard to believe, but sometimes girls prefer personality over dick. Jackass.

Aw fuck, just checked my planner and discovered I'm a week short. I thought we were halfway done with summer session and it's only been two weeks, out of six. Damn. School is more interesting now that we have clients almost every day, and I have discovered that I kick ass at roller sets. But it feels like it's going to go on forever!!! How will I ever possibly last until February (or March, depending on how much I cut class)? I know I'll make it, somehow, and look back and wonder how I ever did it. I just hope that my sanity and my health make the trip.

summer!

2006-06-12T17:46:38Z

Oh wow, summer break is wonderful. This is my last week...I have to start school on Monday and I'm not so excited about it. I have really been doing a lot of hair over break, which is good because I'm using my skills and have even gotten paid. I think color is much more my forte than cutting, since I seem to consistently cut holes around the left ear. Not so great. But all the highlights and color I've done have come out so well; really professional looking. That makes me excited, because they say that color is really where you can make bank, and who gives a shit if I can't cut when I can charge $200 for highlights?

This is the first time I have really been thinking seriously about what I'll do when I'm out of school. So scary! I am still thinking I want to pack up and move to LA to do runway shows or style celebrities or stuff like that, but maybe I'll stick around for a while after school to make some money before I do that. I need money. Lots of it. I don't have enough of it now.

Working as a writer is pretty cool, but seriously, feeding myself is a challenge. I hate being broke! I have a few projects on the table right now, but only one of them is paying me decently, and that's under the table. I am resigned to being broke until I finish school (March of 2007 at the latest), but it's really quite restrictive. I can't escape my hideous roommate because I can't afford to pay rent anywhere else. I make very strange combinations of tofu and whatever else is in the cupboard because I have no other food. My wardrobe sucks because it's been ages since I've bought anything new (except that Mom came through for me the other night and got me some tops...thanks Mommy!).

At least I can ignore my lack of money by gazing into starry eyes. The 19-year-old and I are like, officially dating now. He calls me his girlfriend and we sleep over a lot. He is the sweetest creature I have encountered in quite a while, but now that Lynsey the Heartless has actually settled down I have to get used to the idea of having a boyfriend. Like, I can't just go out and hit on anyone I choose like I've been doing for close to two years now. I might hurt his feelings. It's very strange to worry about someone else's emotional state. But I do like him an awful lot, and he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, so we get along. Being worshiped is pretty cool.

What else? I think that's it: doing hair, being broke, kissing my boyfriend. Life is okay.

lynseycarol @ 2006-05-25T12:51:00

2006-05-25T20:05:19Z

So. I totally never post.

Lately I have been doing two things: smoking pot and having sex. Okay, wait. I'm ahead of myself as usual. School is finally out for a few weeks before summer session, so I actually have free time. And I have been using it to hang out with my new fling, 19-year-old A. My chillest friend from beauty school has this boyfriend, and he has a friend, and we hooked up. The past few weekends have just been that smitten stage where all you want to do is lock yourselves away, get naked and talk about nothing, smiling like idiots the whole time. It's fun.

I could give a shit that there are 7 years between us, too. It's great to have someone worship you, and I'm not going to let an age gap ruin it.

So yay. A turn for the better in my miserable track record of a love life. I am so so glad that school is out. I can't believe I did it. This semester nearly killed me, between sleeping so little and working so much. No wonder I look like a corpse. A corpse with cool hair, at least. Right now it's in a really great fauxhawk and I'm planning on coloring it dark brown this week. I'd say my hair changes significantly by the month...but I look like a hairstylist. Or a rock star, depending on who you ask.

Planning on getting another tattoo pretty soon to reward myself for school. I want something on my right forearm, which has burned with muscle fatigue and tendinitis all semester. I need something to protect it. And even though I've considered about twelve different designs, I think the one that's going to make it is a unicorn. In pink and purple, of course. I regret that they don't make glittery tattoo ink...I'd get that shit in a second.

the latest

2006-04-18T05:42:28Z

Back in school after spring break, and it's painful. But I quit at Sephora and had my last day, so I am way less stressed now that I can devote all my spare time to writing instead of helping rich bitches cover their "imperfections." Think the window of opportunity has closed on Jon, my beauty-school crush...he really isn't what I am looking for. In fact it would be an excellent way to trap myself into unhappiness yet again, and I'm really trying to stop doing that.

I really really want to get more tattoos.

updates

2006-04-05T04:23:10Z

Spring break is next week, which means I get to sleep in and wear regular clothes. School has really taken over my life, to the extent that I finally gave notice at Sephora. My last day will be Saturday...I don't really have a plan. We'll see what comes next.

The only straight boy in my class, Jon, a sweet little 19-year-old, has a crush on me. I am soooo tempted. We'd make the cutest little rockabilly couple with him playing standup bass and me doing retro hair. Of course, that's only fantasy, and the reality here is that I'd probably make a lot of enemies by taking him off the market. There's still a long way to go at school, and I'd like to do it without getting stabbed in the back by Courtney or Amanda, or going through a messy breakup. Already dated a coworker, don't wanna do it again. But it may be inevitable. It's one of those situations where you can't NOT get together, because it's so obvious that you have to. Does that make sense? Come on, he's been giving me puppy-dog eyes since the first day of school.

More updates on that one. In other news, my hair is constantly changing. I eat too much cheese. In my dreams I swim a lot.

too much

2006-03-14T19:52:17Z

I'm exhausted. This morning I was showered and eating breakfast before I realized I was too tired to go to school. I have been pushing myself so hard, between going to school and working and writing so much. I'm burned out.

Fortunately, since I have given myself a rare day off, I'm going to talk to my boss at Sephora and tell her I can't handle it anymore. I kind of want to just quit and not have to go by the stupid dress code anymore, but I do like the discounts and the free shit. So I think I'm going to go in there with an open mind and see if we can come to some sort of agreement. I think being purely on-call would be okay with me; that way I work only when I want and any money I make is sort of gravy.

I can finally do this because the content agency I write for upped my word count...if all goes well I'll be making twice my rent. But as you can see there's no more room for a crappy retail job. I'm stoked to call myself a writer and not have to have another job to supplement it.

love and marriage

2006-02-27T05:02:01Z

My cousin's engaged. Yeah, the weird one who thinks she's a fairy princess. We grew up playing Barbies together and imagining we were unicorns, and then I learned about the real world and she didn't, and we grew apart. But now she's getting married.

What am I doing wrong? Could someone please enlighten me? My other cousin Catherine, the genius who analyzes quantum physics or some shit for the government, got married last year. I was amazed she'd found someone, but her husband is a perfect match. Together they are a weird supersmart nerdy pair, and although it makes me cringe to picture them having sex, they fit. They match. And the boy Amy is marrying ships off to Iraq sometime soon. They met country line dancing. The whole thing makes me want to ralph, but it also makes me want to throw a tantrum. When do I get one? When do I get to have a foofy dress and a hot smart husband who makes my knees weak?

The thing I think I am most fixated on about the people I see getting hitched around me is that they have met their match: someone who complements them exactly. Their other half. And I am still looking for mine, and that makes me feel lonely.

Okay, now I really want to ralph.

comb comb comb write write write

2006-02-22T05:38:28Z

Good thing I like hairstyling and writing so much, otherwise I think I'd lose my mind. That's all I do now. Get up, go to school, make snarky comments, do roller sets, curse at dolly head, come home, smoke pot, write. Sleep. Repeat. School is not difficult academically (high score on our disinfection/sanitation test at 94%, aw yeah) but it is remarkably frustrating not to be able to do something as simple as set a curler or make a straight part the first time you do it. My teacher says it's like learning to ride a bike, but the second I got on a bike I wanted to ride it perfectly. This is the same thing, only instead of falling in the gutter I'm cutting myself and getting carpal tunnel.

But I like school. It's fun. And there is a certain logic to the way hair behaves, an engineering to hairstyling, that I appreciate. Not like I have any logic to my own hair...I was afraid after taking the scissors (oh, excuse me, shears) to my head a couple weeks ago that I'd really fucked it up, but some major time with the flatiron has resulted in a look that I can put up with. Very retro, sort of a modified bob. All bangs and big eyes in the front and short in the back...my friend Helen told me I look like a moll. At the time I happened to be carrying my doll stand in a manner quite like you'd carry a tommy gun, but that's still a pretty good compliment. I'd be a gangster's moll any day.

the plot thickens

2006-02-16T06:41:56Z

So you know where you have those periods of life where everything speeds up, and it seems to go by in a blur? That's happening to me. School day in day out kind of hypnotizes me, and suddenly beauty is everywhere. I find myself analyzing haircuts to see the angle at which they are cut, and figuring out the face shapes of strangers.

My friends are so cool...it's kind of refreshing to hang out with 19-year-olds. They are still so innocent and positive. They make me want to be softer, more optimistic, more carefree. And, my friends Jenn and Megan are SO SO cute with their sweet little boyfriends who obviously adore them. I want one. I had not realized how badly, until I saw all the cuddling and kissing I saw tonight.

And just when I decide to maybe lower the defenses a bit, here comes this boy. I really like JR, who I met through a booty-call website. We immediately clicked and have not spent an unpleasant moment together since. I don't spend time thinking about him so much as I just want to see him again...make out on the couch and move to the bedroom, then spend two hours talking about life and cuddling. Sigh. I want more.

Four-day weekend! Can't wait to get some sleep.

I think i'm turning into a dude

2006-02-07T05:32:29Z

Seriously. I am acting so guy-like these days: I just don't have the energy to call people back that I don't want to talk to. Maybe it's just that I have been dating long enough to finally figure out how to send firm messages. Or I'm just sapped of energy, and considering my schedule lately that would be a good excuse. But I've reached the point where I just don't bother to respond. I'm not interested enough to even conjure up a response, much less an appropriate, inoffensive one.

As usual, I am seeing the wrong men. But this time I know how to get rid of them!

it's alive!

2006-02-04T06:22:51Z

I really did not realize that I had disappeared. November? Geez, that was ages ago. I can do better than that.

Okay. So I'm in school now, learning hair texture and wave pattern and stuff. Some parts are so boring I want to shoot myself. Or the one really dumb girl who always asks our teachers to repeat stuff. It's like, shut up and listen the first time! But on the whole school is fun: the shampoo smells soooo good and we get to manicure each other. And I come home with awesome hair every night. It's cool. I would post pix of my cool hairstyles but I have no idea how. Any tips?

In other developments, I have been toying with my ex-boyfriend. I really wish I weren't, but it's nice to have somebody pay for your dinner and tell you how hot you are. I don't need much from men...

I'm also dating other people, only semi-successfully. I have recently resolved to stop dating via the internet. All the cool chicks at school make me want to get tattooed. Life is packed pretty tightly between school and still working at Sephora, plus trying to make a living as a freelance writer.

More details to come.

new stuff

2005-11-07T18:07:13Z

So. I never post because I never feel like anything is new in my life. But that's not true.

I cut my hair. I have dropped some weight, I think because I'm happier in general, but there are other reasons. I spend my work time running around, fetching and bending, instead of sitting in a chair browsing craigslist. And I try to get out more to feel the weather and enjoy life. And I haven't been smoking pot at all (too broke to buy it), which has really helped me to understand the difference between hunger and the munchies. That last I think is a big deal, which feels silly to say but is an important distinction to make for us potheads.

Something has clicked at work and I feel more comfortable now. I don't break a nervous sweat when I do makeup applications, and I have learned to pull things out of my ass that I am pretty sure are true, instead of saying, "I don't know." A confident customer is a happy customer, one that goes home with a heavy bag. I have been getting tons of freebies lately for my hard work...a whole kit from Smashbox that's probably worth a hundred bucks, plus some pieces of gratis (the euphemism for "freebie" that Sephora chooses to use) for scoring a couple of big transactions. The free shit is very nice, especially because it's quality stuff. Quite the perk, one that I would have to say might even be better than coworkers that qualify as eye candy. At least this way I'm not risking my job to have sex with them.

As for sex, there is none on the horizon. Went out dancing the other nice and I just feel like I am invisible to boys. Unless they are skeezy European guys who make excuses to ask me about hair brushes for their long yucky hair...yay for the Sephora customer in his way-tight pants and sunglasses indoors. My favorite are the dudes who ask me what my favorite colognes are. Why can't guys just come out and say, you're cute, wanna go home with me? I swear they would get a lot farther than commenting that I should like Dolce & Gabbana Blue. Whatever.

Speaking of going home with people, things with Man Roomie grow more and more interesting. A list of incomprehensible events follows. 1) Flashing me his ass accidentally-on-purpose and then trying to deny it. "I had a towel around my waist, what are you talking about?" Riiiight. 2) Bringing home a pretty girl, having tea in the kitchen by candlelight late at night, then going to bed not to have sex but long and boring-sounding conversations. The walls are extremely thin, a good thing to keep in mind if I ever do get any booty. Unlikely, but still. 3) Telling me that his "friends" are coming over, only to have two said female friends BOTH spend the night in his bed. I don't know whether there was any sex there since I didn't come home till three that night, but regardless, you can't share a queen-size bed with two other people and not get cozy. VERY cozy. Fucking weird, yes? Feel free to share opinions on this strange behavior. I don't know what to make of it.

So that's my life. Finally got some info from CSM on beauty school...orientation is in December and I need to take an English placement test. Ha! Sure I do. But I'm stoked for school, even though the idea of continuing to support myself while attending that many classes makes me reconsider prostitution. Is that wrong?

cold!

2005-10-22T07:29:55Z

Yep, that's right, it's actually fall. The changing of the seasons always takes me by surprise, the weather suddenly turning and making me start. It's crisp tonight.

I have been so busy, working and writing and sleeping. I seem to only be able to have three elements in my life. Everything else just occurs in small doses, too small to be much more than blips on the radar screen. Life as a Sephora employee is okay, in spite of stupid shit like picking gum out of the carpet and washing my hands six times a day to get off smears of foundation and eyeliner. I had one smudge of Lancome waterproof that lasted for two days. I tell you, lady, you want a liner with staying power? I got one right here. Color matching is getting easier and I'm learning application technique. It's really fascinating at times, and really lame at others, but I guess all jobs are like that.

And there's some cool girls. I think I'm going to be friends with Natalie, even though she wears an average of eleven cosmetic products every day. It's applied so expertly that you can't even tell until you're close. But we talk about knitting and making lip gloss in the microwave, and she is not afraid to be silly, making weird noises and imitating Sean Connery on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy ("the game is afoot!"). Shara is always trying to put yellow or pink eyeshadow on me (trying to "make my eyes pop") and swoops in when I'm having a hard time answering questions. Nohemi asked me for advice on her eyebrows. Those girls are really cool, which is a nice foil for Leilani getting kicked out of her house and showing up three hours late and Maeva wrecking her car and expecting Daddy to buy her a new one.

I'm writing a lot. I think I've finally made it a priority, something I need to do every day, not because I want to or because I feel like it but because it's what I do. It doesn't matter if it's freelancing or doing cd reviews for free or writing in my journal. I just need to get something on the page.

Man Roomie hits on me in oblique ways, where I am left wondering, did he just make a pass? I am getting better at snappy comebacks, though, and the window of opportunity is so firmly closed that it's not even an issue anymore. For me, at least. Although he feels the need to let me know that any time I feel like sabotaging my living situation, he is game. Men. Just because I have a vagina and you have a penis, does not mean we need to use them, okay? Some things are more important than sex. Like having a place to live and concentrating on my career. He doesn't understand how a normal, attractive girl like me is single. And even more clearly doesn't understand when I tell him that I'm really better off alone because I don't have time or mental space or energy to deal with another person. I come first. Me. As selfish as it sounds, I am the only person in my life right now and things are a lot easier that way.

Ouch, just checked my bank balances after getting paid from Sephora. Yep, still broke. Will be able to pay rent and not much more. The one good thing about making so little is that it encourages me to be more creative about making money. Put my gifts to good use, you know?

But right now my gifts need to brush their teeth and go to bed.

just a brief note

2005-10-10T07:44:39Z

Things are going well with Man Roomie (every time I say that it reminds me of my sister saying "manties" to describe the boxer briefs she has started wearing as undies. Hee hee, it's like "man panties" but even better). Finally got the internet going in my new place, which is very nice.

Sephora is okay too, except for the panic that sets in every time a "client" (note that "customer" is not Sephora-speak) asks me a question to which I don't know the answer. Foundation? Not a clue how to blend it, sorry. A product that converts shadow to liner? Haven't seen it. Oh well. I am learning at least, although I'm already sick of spending a lot of time clad head to toe in black. And I'm going to break down and buy some Keens (hippie shoes that are way comfortable) because it sucks to spend two hours greeting people on a marble floor.

Other stuff...there is none. No boys, no pot because I can't afford it, I missed a deadline and feel like a failure, but got my shit squared away in my new place. Unfortunately I still have to go back and clean the other...fun.

good things

2005-10-03T03:50:40Z

Met with Kerren today, whose wedding I am styling (ooh, I like that!), and did another dry run on her hair. She's pretty picky but I guess your wedding is the one time you get to make everyone do what you want and they can't complain. Anyway, she was satisfied this time and had these really cool little crystal flowers that were on wires so you just stick them into the hairstyle. They looked so cool that I got really inspired and have been twisting wire and beads into useless pretty hair things all evening. I'm so stoked to do the wedding, even though I know being held responsible for making six girls feel like princesses will not be easy. And one of her bridesmaids is only thirteen, which is the self-esteem equivalent of a field of land mines.

I moved some of my stuff this weekend, enough to discover how pathetically small my car is when it comes to being filled with boxes. And how pathetically much stuff I have. But the girl down the hall is moving in here and I'm going to convince her she needs all my castoff furniture. If I can get my Jedi mind tricks going, that is.

Spent the weekend watching my parents' dog and cat and glutting myself on television: "Born Without A Face," "The Return of the Black Plague," and "Haunted Journeys." I love TLC. Also watched The Aviator and discovered that Howard Hughes puts my hand-washing OCD to shame.

Um, I can't think of much else. Back to making hair ornaments, yay!

updates galore

2005-09-30T08:12:01Z

So. I start work at Sephora on Tuesday. I read through the tome of rules, regulations and forms that they gave me and found some interesting material. Makeup is actually part of the dress code. I quote: "At a minimum, a light application of lipstick, stain or gloss, mascara, and a complexion product (tinted moisturizer, foundation, ten other things I don't use because I think my skin needs to breathe) is required." I'm excited to paint up like aforementioned two-dollar hooker and call it work.

But really, even though it's going to suck like retail does, I'm excited to start. Partly because I have been climbing the walls (mostly from boredom, but let's add in a little sexual deprivation as well) and not being at all productive. I know that since I'll have less spare time I'll automatically make better use of it. As in, not smoking so much pot and lying on the couch all day.

And I am moving too! I'm really not too stoked about carrying boxes and getting sweaty and scratching myself trying to put furniture together. But Allyson said she'd come pitch in, and my father has convinced me that it's acceptable to pull two Latino dudes off a street corner in Redwood City and give them twenty bucks each. I'm not so sure about that. Is twenty bucks a fair wage, really? For a day of hauling heavy shit? I don't really want to do that but I don't want my dad to throw out his back and start yelling at people like he did last time. Larry plus lifting couches up stairs times ex-boyfriend equals "I'm getting surly!"

Signed all the appropriate paperwork with Man Roomie tonight and made several discoveries about him: he wears too much cologne. He hangs posters very very high on the walls, which I find strange. And he left something incriminating out in his room and made me turn around while he got rid of it. I don't know what it was (probably some type of pornographic material), because I didn't notice it, but I thought it was really funny. I wanted to be like, whatever it was, I probably have something more shocking in the "naughty" drawer of my dresser. Which I hope he never finds!

grr

2005-09-23T07:35:08Z

My mother is driving me insane. I know this is nothing new, but seriously, my parents are being such a pain in the ass about me moving in with a boy. And I KNOW they would not be doing this to my brother or my sister. Listed below are some of the inane comments that my parents have made and my perfectly reasonable responses:

Dad: I'm getting you a Taser.
Me: Oh come on. Mace would suffice.

Mom: What's his last name?
Me: (his last name). I googled him and I didn't find anything sketchy.

Dad: Does your door have a bolt on it? I'm installing one.
Me: Dad, if I don't feel safe with my roommate, I'm never going to feel safe at home. A bolt on my door is not going to help.

Mom: Is he shopping for a wife?
Me: I don't know, but if he is, it's not going to work with me.

Mom: Does he have references that he can give you? You know, you can't just pick out a person on the street and say, let's be roommates.
Me: No, Mom, you can't. But you can take them home and have sex with them!

Okay, so I didn't actually say that last part, although I wanted to. My mom doesn't need to know exactly how slutty I have been at times. My point is that they are pulling this our-little-baby-girl bullshit and will not let up on it. Never mind that they didn't bat an eyelash when Allyson moved in with Abbey. Or Dan, who they also did not know and is a man. The raging double standard strikes again!

I looked at my mom (by this time there were tears in my eyes) and I was like, I just really wanted to trust somebody. The fact is, I can't keep living my life and not giving men the benefit of the doubt at least some of the time, or I really will die alone. And I think it's really hard for me to trust men not to hurt me. I don't know if that's because I've been hurt a lot of times (probably) or if I just always think that someone is working an angle on me because usually they are. I always think someone wants something from me, or is trying to take advantage of me in some way. And probably half the time they don't want anything more than to get to know me. But I don't give them the chance.

No wonder I'm still single.

condition stabilized

2005-09-20T23:39:49Z

Okay. I have a job and a new place to live. Life can go on now.

Finally got a call back from Sephora today and they want me! Yay. Even better, they are paying me what I asked (I tried to hedge my bets by asking for $10 an hour) which is enough to support myself, thanks to my awesome new roommate and his way-cheap-but-not-ghetto apartment. I'm going over there in a few to give him my first and last months' rent.

I don't start training until October 4, but that gives me two more weeks to decide what to move, what to pack and what to toss. I've been doing a lot of tossing already. Why am I such a pack rat?

So anyway, yeah, I'm stoked. It has been pouring rain all afternoon and I am loving it. Lightning and thunder too...the first real rainstorm of fall. Weather is so stimulating.

housing

2005-09-19T00:22:04Z

So I may already have found another apartment. The first one I've looked at, but it really is a good situation. I met my potential roommate (a dude, actually, 30 years old, attractive but not my type, not at all creepy) and checked out the place today. He makes pretty good money as a real estate developer (and a former contractor, so he fixes stuff, yeah!) so he can afford the place on his own. I get the feeling he might want a roommate because he's lonely. I totally understand.

It's big, big enough for my foofy monstrosity of a bed, plus a desk and dresser and still room to move around. And the closet, believe it or not, actually competes with the closet in my current house. That is, a walk-in with enough room to sleep two, provided they get cozy. There's two windows and the carpet is relatively inoffensive. Plenty of parking. Deck space for my succulent garden. Internet and cable included. Richard doesn't even mind if I smoke pot. The place pretty much meets all my needs for a home, normal roommate included.

Okay. Two things that may change my mind. One, sharing a bathroom with a dude. I have a brother. I've had a hairy stinky boyfriend. I know what their habits are like. Richard says he's pretty clean but that will probably only last a few weeks. Bathrooms are disgusting in general but I think I can deal with it. So that's not a dealbreaker. Two, there's no living room. It's a railroad apartment in an old building and when you come in it's bathroom on the right, kitchen on the left, then bedroom on the right and bedroom on the left. So any time we chill we'd be in the other's bedroom.

I just keep forgetting that usually that is where you chill when you don't have your own house. I've gotten so used to receiving guests in the living room that the bedroom is reserved only for the very special. So as roomies I think we'd do most of our interacting in the kitchen, which is okay provided he sweeps all the crap off the kitchen table.

I kind of like the idea of living with a guy. No whining about fights with his mom (Kelly), voodoo-Creole princess mind probing...okay, just reading my journal and pretending to be psychic (April), making cheese sandwiches in the toaster (Lucy), cooking peas at four in the morning (Ada), bringing home a parade of strangers (Megan), or bickering over stupid stuff like whether he's walked the dog (thanks very much, Mom and Dad). Anyway, no drama and less competition for blow-drying time.

Your thoughts please, on the boy-girl dynamic (I'm pretty sure he's straight even though thank God he didn't hit on me) and the no-living-room situation. I mean, that's probably the least important thing to consider, since the bedroom's so big I could probably have a seating area...ooh, good idea.

mixed bag

2005-09-17T19:54:10Z

So I called Sephora yesterday and spoke to one of the managers. She said she couldn't say too much, but that "it looks good" for me and they will know for sure on Monday. What does that mean? I wanted to get excited about it, but then I didn't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed when something goes wrong on Monday. I don't know. Stupid retail.

But last night I got paid $250 in cash for freelance writing services rendered. It was so cool to get a big fat wad of twenties that I went home and smelled it afterward. : ) I know that's a little weird, but this is money I made doing something original and creative. Granted, writing copy about pet insurance is not exactly riveting. But it's something, and I got paid for it. It's a great feeling.

However I still think I'm moving. I totally can't afford this place anymore.

Today my mom is getting a tattoo...I'm kind of embarassed and kind of proud of her. Fortunately she's not getting it on her ass or anything, although she has such a rad body she could carry it off. Anyway, Sooz is getting an iris about three inches tall (kind of big, yes) on the inside of her hip. I think it would go better on her shoulder, but she's really into having a secret bad side or something. She's a little nutty.

Anyway, I might be able to get mine filled in and finished up if there's time. That would be cool.

one thing at a time, right?

2005-09-11T21:22:09Z

Okay, so things are looking a little bit better. I've had two interviews with Sephora, for the store in Burlingame. The first was one-on-one with the store manager and the second one was today with two other prospective employees and the other manager. I think it's been going really well, in spite of the fact that I haven't worked retail in a really long time. I know how to look professional (this one girl wore jeans today, jeans!) and I have gotten so good at bullshitting that all my answers come out about teamwork and communication. Plus I'm genuinely interested in what they sell (upscale cosmetics, if you don't know...it's the greatest store in the world because you can try everything out. I always come out of there looking like a two-dollar hooker because I get carried away). I said something today about totally immersing myself in beauty culture, between cosmetology school and working there. I think that's just what I'm passionate about lately: what is beauty, how do you really know what you look like, what qualifies as good-looking and how you know if you are...lots of stuff in my head about that right now. To quote Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, "I ain't never met a broad who didn't know if she was good lookin' or not without ever lookin' in a mirror." Or something like that.

But to drag myself back to real life, I am way less stressed now that I may have a job. I really hope I get it, not because I think women need to spend $25 on eyeshadow, but because I'd get to practice my skills at work (all employees get to do customer makeovers...can't wait for that) and learn the industry. Plus apparently they like to hire from inside and headquarters is in San Francisco. I can see myself writing product copy or advice columns for their website or something like that. That would be awesome.

Once I know if I have a job or not, I think that will determine if I have to move or not. I know it will be a major struggle to make rent, and that is stress I don't need in my life. I'm just still getting used to the idea of moving out and leaving my really great apartment. But this is what I said I wanted, right? A major downsize. In the back of my head I knew that would necessitate moving out, but in the delusional marijuana-fueled world I have been living in for the past few weeks that wasn't the case. And now that I have woken up, moving is a question of when, not if. And oh crap, it should probably be by October 1st.

One thing at a time, Lyns. Deep breaths. Harness the chi.

oh shit

2005-09-08T21:40:18Z

I'm really stressed out. Unemployment is starting to suck and reality has come crashing in and made me realize my rent is way too high, and there's no freaking way I'm going to be able to keep my apartment and work and go to school all at the same time. Even if I were selling my body it would still be a struggle. And some lameass pseudo-punker is doing a cover of "Listen to Your Heart," of early nineties fame, on the radio. She should be shot.

Seriously, though. I am at a loss. Just the thought of moving makes me tired, and the thought of moving back in with my parents makes me want to cry. I love my parents, they are great and supportive and really loving, but I'd kill them if I moved back in with them. To say nothing of wanting to kill myself for doing just that, for the fourth or fifth time in five years. Ick.

I think my pride is the problem here.